There's Been a Death In My House

There’s been a death in my house, or more accurately, from my house. My grandma just passed away at the age of 89, and 2 years of it were spent being oblivious of her surroundings, weather, and people.

The day that it happened came as a shock. I was going through my usual routine after lunch when came the phone call from my father saying my grandma has passed away and we’re supposed to go to the hospital right away. I became blur then, not knowing what to do except announcing to the family and after that, going to the hospital.

 

I won’t go into details here. I can only say that my father was the saddest of all, more to because he has taken care of my grandma for the last 20++ years while my uncles were at US building a life for themselves. I’ve heard people said that when a son/daughter has done his/her duty to the parents, he/she would not be troubled or sad considering he/she has taken care of the parents and there’s no more regrets. How wrong it seemed to me at that moment considering that our relationship with someone is the most important thing, and all anger, regrets or even revenge will be dissolved at that very moment when we realize that that person is no more with us.

 

Throughout the days before the burial, I was alright. I didn’t even feel sad. All the emotions came only on the morning of the burial, when we went to the morgue to prepare the coffin. My aunt burst out upon seeing my grandma’s body. Immediately, the relatives around her almost became red faced, each maintaining his/her composure. I felt a lump in my throat then, and I tried to walk out of the morgue in case I cry. I have thought myself to be a cold man, emotionless when dealing with deaths and losses. At that moment, the lump in my throat seemed uncontrollable.

After the prayer service, we departed for the cemetery. It was a beautiful morning. The mood was dull nevertheless, and the shadows of the crosses and tombs looming over the pathways leading to our destination. The whole process went smoothly, and our mourning insignia was taken down as a sign to stop mourning and to continue our normal life.

To me, it has been surreal, and it is surreal even now. Just the day before my grandma passed away, we had dinner with her. She even said ‘eat slowly’ to us before excusing herself to go into her room. Maybe that was why I almost cried when I know that I won’t see her again, a familiar figure in the house and most importantly, my grandma.

I guess, my consolation is that she accepted Christ long ago and she is now happier up there. I am glad that I was with her at the last moments of her life, and I am glad that I managed to say goodbye to her.

See you again, Grandma.

Hols Angst

It seems that too many hols will make a person angsty, bored, cranky and hateful, particularly when that person has no money, no purpose, too much time on his hands and no games to play with. So, u can basically sum up that its me after all.  I just don’t know what to do already. Online? Done that. PC games? Played all. Call my belle? Called, and not a pleasant one coz I’m boring enough to her. What can I say to her when I’ve told her everything? It did not help especially when my jokes are dry and lame. Sigh….life without purpose is certainly a life not worth living..

Have the mood to write a poem now, words from the heart.

Listen..

Listen…

It’s hard for me you know..

I don’t want u to hate me…

I don’t want you feel angry…

I just don’t know how to say, the words in my heart..

I’m not wise in speaking…not clever in arguing…

I’m no good with humors and jokes, and certainly I’m bad at entertaining…

But..do you have to brush me off?

Sometimes…

I just need people to listen..to be by my side…

You don’t have to say anything..advice anything…

I know what to do, I know how..

But I need encouragement, understanding, and ears that listen..

So…

Listen, will you?

Adjust and Accept?

    It’s one phrase that I remember from Mr Sadass’ class. Adjust and accept. How to prevent conflicts? Understand, adjust and accept. Sounds easy? Kill me. It’s hard. It’s frustrating. It tears your heart out. But when it comes to a boy-girl relationship, can patience and tolerance be stretched beyond the breaking point?

    It’s a bad idea that I’m someone who ppl perceive as not having any planning, doing things at the last minute and basically doesn’t care at all. I know it, and I’m trying hard to overcome it. There should be some changes that you can see in me right. Well, some ppl don’t. I’m unchangeable. I make ppl worry all the time. Am I?

    How far would u go with a person until u feel tat you’re really incompatible and it’s time to let go? How far would u go to accept him/her as who he/she is until u decide that he'/she is not the one for you? Or, would u hold on, finding ways to adjust and accept or even give chances for that person to change? Are you very easy to say, ‘time for me to be me and u to be you’?

    For me, a relationship should be for eternity. There’s one percent possibility that you can find someone that’s really compatible to you. For me, being together is to understand each other, accepting each other as who they are, and adjust to how they are. For me, being together is to hold on tight, no matter how bitter you feel, how frustrated you feel at the moment. I had my share of bitterness, disappointment, frustration. I held on. I failed you I know. Let me have another shot will ya?