Thursday, January 20, 2011
It feels like a flashback, a whiff of a familiar smell from ages past. I remembered this one time when I couldn't sleep around 5 in the morning. I was having insomnia the whole night and I couldn't take it anymore. So I woke up, walked quietly to the door to prevent my brother from waking up. To my surprise he wasn't there. So I walked out and saw the faint light downstairs. Turned out he couldn't sleep too. So we went outside and sat on the porch, talking, enjoying the cool breeze and the sweet familiar smell of the approaching morning. If nostalgia has a scent, this would be it.
And here I am, not willing to sleep because of this smell, this feeling, sunken feeling of memory deep in me. There were many instances where I recognize this smell: when I woke up in the early morning to go to school; when I woke up to follow my father to his farm, when I woke up and early to get to school during practical months. It brings back all these memories that I never knew I had. It feels so familiar that I can't bear to let it go.
Maybe I can blame it on my mild flu, coz it kinda reduced my nose's sensitivity to smell so everything is like a bit muted. I only know that I enjoy this feeling and I'm not gonna let it go just yet.
And it made me think bout the future too. What happens after I graduate? Where will my friends be? Where will I be? I've known these people for six years now. It's like we've grown up together and realizing it all these while. To think that we're gonna be separated so soon? Wow.. Why? Kinda sad to think about. Sigh.
A walk in the park. A glimpse of the moon. The breeze, like little fairies, flying on my skin. Cool, but makes me shiver not. Just enjoy the night.
Reminiscence. Full of joys, regrets, loves, the past, where nothing can be changed and the future, where nothing is known. Maybe that's why I don't want to let go of this feeling. Coz I feel it now, and that's the only certain thing at this moment.
The beautiful night. The silent night. The night to remember. The night, for the past to come alive, dancing around me. The night. The night for me.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Saturday, December 5, 2009
There’s been a death in my house, or more accurately, from my house. My grandma just passed away at the age of 89, and 2 years of it were spent being oblivious of her surroundings, weather, and people.
The day that it happened came as a shock. I was going through my usual routine after lunch when came the phone call from my father saying my grandma has passed away and we’re supposed to go to the hospital right away. I became blur then, not knowing what to do except announcing to the family and after that, going to the hospital.
I won’t go into details here. I can only say that my father was the saddest of all, more to because he has taken care of my grandma for the last 20++ years while my uncles were at US building a life for themselves. I’ve heard people said that when a son/daughter has done his/her duty to the parents, he/she would not be troubled or sad considering he/she has taken care of the parents and there’s no more regrets. How wrong it seemed to me at that moment considering that our relationship with someone is the most important thing, and all anger, regrets or even revenge will be dissolved at that very moment when we realize that that person is no more with us.
Throughout the days before the burial, I was alright. I didn’t even feel sad. All the emotions came only on the morning of the burial, when we went to the morgue to prepare the coffin. My aunt burst out upon seeing my grandma’s body. Immediately, the relatives around her almost became red faced, each maintaining his/her composure. I felt a lump in my throat then, and I tried to walk out of the morgue in case I cry. I have thought myself to be a cold man, emotionless when dealing with deaths and losses. At that moment, the lump in my throat seemed uncontrollable.
After the prayer service, we departed for the cemetery. It was a beautiful morning. The mood was dull nevertheless, and the shadows of the crosses and tombs looming over the pathways leading to our destination. The whole process went smoothly, and our mourning insignia was taken down as a sign to stop mourning and to continue our normal life.
To me, it has been surreal, and it is surreal even now. Just the day before my grandma passed away, we had dinner with her. She even said ‘eat slowly’ to us before excusing herself to go into her room. Maybe that was why I almost cried when I know that I won’t see her again, a familiar figure in the house and most importantly, my grandma.
I guess, my consolation is that she accepted Christ long ago and she is now happier up there. I am glad that I was with her at the last moments of her life, and I am glad that I managed to say goodbye to her.
See you again, Grandma.